"Random" special! [3]

[UnsungSerene]

I was sitting at the table of a vacant classroom as I do now and then when I'm hit by an anxiety attack.
I just think and think until I feel worse and wait for it to collapse so I can walk out again.

But not this time.

I hear the gates open. When I angle my neck towards the sound I see Elios standing there, a bit socked.

"You were singing?"

Ah right... I hum songs while I'm on it since I can't cry. It makes me feel better but not as better as I think a good cry can make.

I nodded in response.

"Why are you here?" I asked.

He didn't say anything but just stared at me for a few seconds.

"You look different."

I let out a small sigh turning my head away from him towards the windows that allowed a few rays of orange light telling me it was late in the noon already.

I often smile and laugh and don't let it leave my face so no one must know what going through my head.
And the only person I've told about my depression is his best friend, Kyla.

"Like what?" I asked, knowing the emotionless face I had on with every bit of loneliness surfing through my eyes.

Something shifted in my periphery and I saw him sitting on one of the many desks. The solitary was so sweet that I could hear our breaths. That's the reason why I chose this classroom to be my home at times like this. The whole floor remains vacant and all I could hear was faint breezes and a few birds chirping in a distance.

"You look paler and a bit sad."

I looked at him and found him sitting two tables away from me. As I stayed on the table I had to lower my eyes to look at him while he had his head up, that's something that intrigued me. I don't want anyone to feel small because of me. I didn't move from my place but just turned my head to the green board in front of me and let out a small scoff.

"I thought I looked over-happy to others," with a faint smile, I said.

That's right. And neither do I want to deny it since it saved me from people asking me questions based on how they judged me because of the rumours. Even better now, they think I'm crazy.

Since the first day of school, there have been rumours about me all around that my 'ex' spread for me to know how big of a crime I committed leaving his toxic **bleep**. And even now he's been monitoring me. I don't know whom he called mentally ill when he was yelling at me.

"No one says that--"

Cutting him in the middle I glared at him mouthing my words.

"But they all think the same behind my backs, not like I never heard you say that too." A few days ago when I was walking behind his group on the way home I heard them gossiping about me, and that's when I heard him say... 'she's so extra!'

I sometimes regret having this phenomenal hearing power. I didn't want to hear that, I've heard enough already to also hear that from my only crush.

"You heard me?- I... I'm sorry"

Turning my head to my shoes floating in the air I asked him again, "that doesn't answer my question as to why you're here, and still here."

There was a brief silence until I heard him again.

"I told you, I heard you singing. And about the second one... I don't feel like leaving you alone here, god knows what is going in your head."

I scoffed again turning my head back to the windows. Does he think of me like that?

There was suicide not long ago. If I remember correctly, it was about three weeks ago. the guy went to an empty classroom and hung himself up to a fan.

Does he... Think I'm that weak? But then again, he's the head boy of the school. He's got responsibilities. I hope that's the case.
"I'm good, thanks for your concern. you can leave now."

"No." I heard him react immediately. "You don't look like your usual self... what's happened?"

There he goes again. Why can't people just leave me, I said I'm not gonna die! And anyway, this is my usual self and not the facade one I do every day.

"And what makes you think the extra happy myself is how I usually am?"

There was a brief silence again. Lord, this guy can be intimidated so easily.

"Well... but at least you don't look weak like this..." What? I look weak in my current state? Just how? I'm not showing any emotions and just sitting here by myself. How am I weak here when I'm just being what I am?

"How is the happy little girl you see every day so strong?"

"Because... she knows how to not let anyone know what's going inside her."

I turn my head immediately to him. What? Did he see through my act? But how? I was sure I was being natural.
I could feel the shudders running through my spine. No, it feels like deja vu. I don't want any of that to repeat.

"Don't get me wrong. It's not like your acting was bad or anything, I was half taken by it too like everyone is. But seeing you like this today made me realise..."

Oh... I was relieved a bit.

"I won't be dying, you can go," I said turning my vision back to the board.
Great, now my crush pities me.

I don't want him being here any longer.
Don't want him to see this side of me.

I can sense that he was taken aback by my words as the silence lasted way longer this time.
He stood up and walked towards the front.

*Sigh*... Is he going?... I mean I did say that but he's also somehow the person I like.

Whatever...

But he changed his tracks.

I was alarmed as I saw him walking towards me.
"You want me to leave you when I'm seeing you like this? Why do you look this emotionless anyway?" He was about a couple of feet away from me but I still had to angle my head up, this guy's hellish tall!

"A lot of reasons." I sighed

"Tell me."

What?

"And why should I?"

"You may feel better after that."

Just what is he thinking right now?! Wants to know about me and then spread it across like a plague? Hell, I'm ever gonna do that.

"And why are you so concerned?"

"Adeline- I-! ugh!"

Yeah, that's how people are. You're not gonna get anything out of me. Now off you go.

I see him leave through the door and close it loudly.

Hah, what a gentleman.

I stayed there in silence for the next ten minutes until he popped in again.

"Why are you so dedicated to ruining my day like this?"

He didn't reply but instead held his hand out to me with my water bottle.

Did he go to my classroom?

"Here," he said looking the other way, "if you wanna bunk, at least do that with some snacks or at least water."

Why does he even care!?

I took the bottle out of his hand and held it near to my chest.

I don't know, I have this weird habit of hugging anything big enough. I mean... I love hugs but I just can't hug anyone so I just... do that with things...
He went back to the desk he was seated at and stayed there silently.

I turned towards him and asked, "and why are you bunking? without any snack or at least water?" Repeating his advice back at him.

He laughed for a couple of seconds and rested his head on his crossed arms and closing his eyes he mumbled, "I just don't feel like it and I can't bunk alone like somebody I know."

*Sigh*... this guy! 

I turned my head back at the wall staring at the void playing all the cassettes of the past, while he just napped behind me. I won't say I wanted the company but I didn't reject it either.

Moments later I felt something peculiar. As it became more and more uncomfortable I turned my head only to find him burning a hole through my head with his eyes.

"What?"

"What?" he repeated

"Are you staring at me?"

"Yes" hah! the confidence is just-!!

"And why so?"

He shifted the weight of his head to his other hand and pushed a smile.

"Just trying to figure out what's going on that brain of yours."

This guy was getting on my nerves now.

"And why do you even care?!"

My voice echoed in the classroom. Did I shout too loudly? I guess I did, looking at the flustered look on his face.

"I... I'm really sorry"

"No... no, it's okay. I guess I was pushing you to your limits."

I feel bad now. Just now he was smiling and teasing me and now I ruined his day.

"It's okay... really. No one has ever asked me about how I felt, it was always the other way around. So... I just don't know where to begin." I said looking away.

I didn't hear a response back for quite a while. It was too long this time, when I turned my head back to him I found him staring at me with a questioning look.

"But... you've so many friends... how is it... like that?"

"Yeah, I mean... I do have friends but... they always share with me how bad their lives have been, and how chill my life is. they envy me and all that. They are so engrossed in their dilemma, how can I pressure them with mine too?"

Taking a deep breath he began, "but don't they do the same to you?"

I... I couldn't find myself to respond to it.
Thinking hardly I pushed a smile wording my thoughts, "but... that's different... I don't feel burdened listening to them if it makes them feel better."

"And you think that can't be the case with them?"
I let out a deep sigh. I guess I can't lie anymore here.
"I have trust issues. Happy? Now you may go and plague a rumour about me!"

With a questioning look, he asked, "and why would I?"

Huh?

"Aren't you here to dig dirt on me?"

What is this?

"What?!" he exclaimed, "I came here, sat with you while you were here all lonely and alone, offered you an ear and you think I'm here to dig dirt on you?"

For real this guy. There are just too much suspicious things here.

"Let me rephrase it for you. A stranger comes to me who thinks I'm too extra and makes fun of me with his friends, finds me here locked in my thoughts and tries to get it all out of me. And hell I'd think you're here with a pure heart, huh?"

I took a deep breath after stating all that while everything sank in him.

"I- look, I do not make fun of you. It was just... just out of peer pressure, and I apologised for it already okay? Gosh, you think too much!"

"Oh yeah? Then I apologise too, 'cuz I can't tell you anything about myself."

I could see he was annoyed to the core by now. Yeah, leave now, for real this time.

But he didn't, again. Instead, he came up to me and stood there with his eyes on his feet.

"I'm sorry..."

"And what are you sorry for?"

Immediately he pulled me into a hug.

"What the hell!" I said pushing him away. I could hear my heart beating fast again my ribcage. My cheeks started to flush at the thought of him hearing it. God this is embarrassing!

"Is this some kind of a dare you got? please find some other pawn" I said jumping down from the table and walking towards the door to get out. I didn't want him to see me like this. He'd think I'm a pervert-- but wait... Wasn't he the one who hugged me?

"It wasn't a dare!" he cried while he faced my back.

"Yeah yeah, a guy suddenly comes at me and hugs me out of nowhere. for no reason at that! wow?" I said turning back at him. I denied every possibility. He couldn't be doing all this out of his own emotions, right? Right? Tell me it is.

"You always seem like you want to hug someone... I'm sorry I did that without your consent."

How did he--? More than shocked I was angry for some reason. This guy comes out of nowhere and has already been into my cover too deep. I can't let him get me anymore. Attachments are too dangerous.

"You, you got it all wrong! who needs a hug! just get out of here. I was here all by myself and you just come here. See me in this state and then keep on making assumptions about me! all of you guys, everyone out there. You're all like that! **bleep** freaks! Trying to get on my covers! And what when you reach there! You either stab me in the back, leave me or just traumatise me! All of you sick asses just--!" as I was spouting all the nonsense he stepped towards me with a worried look.

"Don't give me that look! I won't be moved anymore! I'm not **bleep** weak no more!"

How pathetic, I just stayed there shouting at him over what? Just my mistakes and I blurted it all out at him.

And you know what the worst thing is? Even after all that I couldn't cry a single tear. Just how much more time do I need to move on from that traumatic relationship to get back to normal! It's not like I have any lingering feelings either.

He hugged me again while I protested and threw my hands everywhere but he just held me even more securely.

"Why--!"

"Shh, it's all right. everything is. I won't tell anyone about anything. This never happened." I calmed down slowly while he patted my back. And--
before I knew it, with my face buried in his neck tears started to flood in my eyes.

What? What is this? Am I? Really crying?

As he felt his clothes getting dripped on with my tears he tried to pull back to look at my face but I was too embarrassed to show him my face right now. I pulled him back with his collar and stayed there for a few minutes until I calmed down.
I pulled myself immediately and looked away.

"I... I'm sorry..."

"Were you crying?"

Can't you see? hell yes, I was!

"I'm sorry... this was the first time I cried in two years. I swear I didn't intend to... I... I am not weak... I don't cry usually... really"

I scrunched my eyes and angled my head down. Oh boy, what have I done?

"You can cry and still not be weak you know..."

I looked up at him and saw him smiling endearingly at me.

Why...?

"Why?" I asked, "why are you treating me like this? tell me if you want something, I don't like dragging things out."

Yes... just give up the act already. Tell me you're here for something materialistic. Tell me, so I don't think about it as something else.

He gazed at me with wide eyes.

"Just what happened with you to make you like this? Your trust issues are... severe."

"I asked something," I said plainly.

With a sigh, he said, "why I'm here with you? isn't that obvious?"

"No." I hated myself. Saying all that to him was hurting me now. Whatever the reason, I can't deny that I like him. And doing this to him knowing well about what he's trying to say... I felt terrible.

"You're rude," he said.

"And you're dragging this too much." Stop! I cried at the inner me, but she won't move away from the wall she'd created after suffering for so many days.

"Here you're again... just moments ago you were cursing everyone and cry--"

"I guess you just came here to pass your time. Well then I won't disturb you anymore," I said and walked out of the door.

I didn't look back or anything just closed the door and went back on my way to the classroom.

I can't let myself get hurt ever again. Never...I must stop.

I could understand what he was trying to say under the lines every time, but I just denied it until I couldn't anymore. This must never be repeated ever again. So I left him... Knowing very well the feelings we had.

I'm sorry... Sorry that I'm weak.

•••
I know this is terrible
I swear I'll edit these into something more beautiful as days go by and I have a better grip on my writings... But for now, this is all I can make out of a silly dream I had.

The next story is also gonna be about my crush (another crush)
But that'd supposedly be a happy one. I mean... I hope.

But no more spoilers

Okay byee~~

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